Too Much Information

Preface: Over the last few weeks, most of my friends and family have asked questions or hinted at the idea that my life is a really grand adventure. Aren't I lucky to live in England and then Los Angeles? Pursuing dreams? Well, yes. Yes I am lucky. But the last 6 months have also been the most depressing, difficult days of my life. I didn't blog for several months because I literally couldn't think of anything nice to say. But I've learned that the difference between "surviving" and "thriving" is ATTITUDE. This is my attempt to both explain why this experience has been hard, and simultaneously look on the bright side. It's probably way too personal, so bear with me.

When I was single, I made a list of requirements of my future husband. Eventually, I decided they were all good ideas, but I really just wanted someone who was willing to learn with me and do whatever was needed to help our family succeed. And he couldn’t be a professional performer. That was my ONE stipulation. I’d seen that lifestyle rip apart families and destroy good people, and I was determined that wouldn’t come anywhere near me and my white picket-fence dream.

So, clearly, marrying Paul was never my plan--it was completely God’s. (Much longer story for another time) And now, here we are in LA, pursuing a career in the arts. Of course! Of course God would ask me to do the one thing I thought I could never do. :)

Paul had a workshop in October, and it was a great success--he was fantastic! He performed two scenes and nailed them both. Through the following weeks, he signed with a theatrical agent and a commercial agent, and he was able to sign our whole family through the youth division of another commercial agency. In other words, we all have agents now. Ha! Auditions have been slow-going as the industry wraps up for the holidays, but we are pretty confident we’ll have a busy January. ;)

Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that Paul had some very positive auditions including a meeting with Disney Television Casting, and we are confident good things will come from that. I’m really proud of him for blowing them away, and I’m really grateful for the Gardiner family whom we met doing the pageants this summer who provided that connection. Blessings come from being in the right place at the right time trying to do the right thing! (Choosing to go to Nauvoo for several summers, even when it didn’t make sense, has blessed our family with some of the best friends and experiences we could ever imagine. I HIGHLY recommend it.)

Before I move on, I should probably say something about the fact that I am expecting a baby. We don’t know the gender, and I don’t think we will find out until he or she makes their earthly debut. We also don’t know the exact due date. This is partially because both my girls were overdue and I had to be induced, but it has more to do with the fact that in June, I miscarried at 8 weeks pregnant. During the days that followed, I was also hospitalized for what they think were kidney stones. But what it really means is that there have been several months of difficult recovery. I was in the middle of rehearsing for the Nauvoo and British Pageants, Paul was in England for four more weeks finishing his masters, and my heart was already aching to be leaving England for a pretty unknown future. This experience caused me to wonder about what a miscarriage is. Did that tiny body have a spirit? Will I raise that child after this life? Will that spirit come back in another--perhaps better body? Was this just an act of nature taking care of itself? Saints and scholars alike have no definite answers for me, and what in the world was I supposed to learn from this? After 7 months of trying to process, I still struggle to find the silver lining in this situation, but here is what I’ve learned so far:

1) When someone is grieving, they usually just need to hear
a. “I’m so sorry.”
b. “I love you.”
c. “I am praying for you.”
d. “I will be with you through this process.”
e. “I am here for you.”
f. NOT “Well, it’s ok because…” or “You’ll be alright.” Or “It’s probably for the best…” Even if you can see a bright side, sometimes the sufferer isn’t ready to see it yet. Maybe ever.

2) One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. We’re still afraid to talk about it, and that’s ok. But I had no idea how many women carry the grief of a life they loved alone. There’s no funeral or condolences--no one sends flowers. No one remembers the date or how it happened. No one has memories to sit and share, or little tangible evidences of a life. That is an impossible burden to carry alone, and miscarriage isn’t the only burden we don’t talk about. I’ve decided that I can be more sensitive to ALL people carrying secret burdens, for those are usually the heaviest ones.

3) God moves in mysterious ways. I don’t understand why this had to happen, and I really don’t think I will come to understand in this lifetime. But someday, I know I will sit down with my Father and He will help me see with clearer eyes. I’ve decided to just trust Him until then.

4) As I was going through all of this, God clearly orchestrated several angels in my life to help watch my children, hold me as I cried, and offer up wisdom and healing words. Most of these angels are women who have already walked the path of miscarriage or infertility, and because of that, I learned that our pain and struggle is often meant to be a balm of healing for our fellow travelers. I hope that I can be that for those who come after me.

So, although I will never "get over" the one we lost, I have been blessed with another opportunity expected sometime at the end of May… so probably July. Haha! I’ve decided I don’t want to know the gender, because this baby, as with each and every, is. A. Miracle. An ordinary miracle which I will never take for granted. And although pregnancy for me is accompanied by nausea, exhaustion, and other uncomfortable side effects, I am trying to simply be grateful for the chance to be alive and able to bring another sweet little one to the earth. And I continue to pray for healing for my many sisters around the world who have not been able to bear children or who experience miscarriage or stillbirth. I'm sorry. I love you. And I am here for you if you ever want to talk about it.

ALICE TURNED 2
On the 23rd of October, little Alice in the Palace, Munchkin of Malice turned 2! Wahoo! I’ve been telling everyone she’s nearly two for about a year now, so it’s nice to make it official. She started talking and walking so long ago, I frequently forget she’s ONLY two! It’s hard to remember that while she understands what we’re saying and can respond, she has the temperament of a 2 year old who has to explore the world, push the boundaries, and learn for herself the consequences of her choices. And if we ever try to discipline her, it’s completely ridiculous. Our little ball of sunshine can’t take us seriously! She’s too happy to ever think we’d be upset for any reason. (And her little buddy Rachel won’t let us get upset anyway! “You can’t be mad at my sister!”) So most of the time we laugh and shake our heads when she spills water bottles all over the floor, eats a bowl of dogfood, ruins my lipstick, gets stuck under the beds in the middle of the night, pulls everything out of every cupboard, climbs every surface imaginable, sings and speaks at the top of her lungs, tries to wash her own hands and dishes, explores the possibilities of potty training, and much much more. Her favorite thing to do is play with Rachel--dress up, tea parties, reading books, dancing, building towers. They are best buddies, and I thank Heavenly Father every day that He sent them so close together. Alice also LOVES animals. She really has no fear! She’s been clawed by a cat and a dog and butted by a goat, but she just comes back for more! Another of her talents is speaking and singing. She can sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” all by herself including a slowed down tag at the end. So adorable! She can also recite the first two articles of faith and a few scriptures and poems. I’ve lost track of how many songs she knows, but she remembers them all to pass the time on long car rides. She is truly one of the brightest, happiest children I've ever seen. When she gets hurt, 99% of the time, she hops up and says triumphantly "I'm ok!" She loves to say prayers to thank Heavenly Father for every toy and asking that we might go to Disneyland, the park, visit our friends, and anything else she can think of. My favorite moments are when I give her a hug and a kiss goodnight and she tells me "You're a good mommy. You're my precious mommy."

BEASLEYS!
The absolute highlight of the last few months was the week-long visit from our beloved BLEASLEYS! They stayed with us for a few nights and never complained about being crammed into our tiny place. Oh it was fun to have our buddies! They even brought us British goodies we were missing, and we had fun chatting, eating, playing games, and just being together! Of course, we did all the touristy things--California Adventure, Disneyland, Downtown Disney, the beach, the walk of fame, and a catastrophic attempt at viewing the Hollywood sign. It was such a treat for us to have them here! The week went by much too quickly, and it hurts that they live SO far away, but we have plans to see them again soon!

BOXES ARRIVED:
At some point, our boxes arrived from England. Hardly anything was lost or broken! It just took five months for them to get to us. HA! It was a little bit like Christmas, opening the boxes to discover the toys and books we’d forgotten about! Not to mention my awesome pots and pans!! Hurray! Rachel was a bit confused by the whole thing and keeps asking about whether we get to keep our new toys. Or what happens if we move again? Do these toys stay with this house? It must be so confusing!

ELECTION:
It’s terribly depressing that our election process has turned to such a mudslinging, poor representation of the real qualities of the American people. We have so much to unite us, but instead we are fed divisive rhetoric that perpetuates labels and stigmas. If I’ve learned one thing from this election, it is that I don’t believe in labels anymore. By labeling someone, I make it easier for myself to categorize them and stop thinking of them as a brother or sister or child of God. But the worst part is that even if and when they change, I may never really change my mind about them. I will be stuck on that categorization or label as opposed to who the person really is and what they were created to be. My goal is to see the best in people and trust they are doing the best they can with the information they have. Even though I find very little to be optimistic about with President Elect Donald Trump, I refuse to label or call him names. I refuse to label his supporters. I am going to move forward in faith and hope for the best.

HALLOWEEN:
Halloween is not a big deal in the UK, but MAN is it big in LA. We had a great ward party and trunk or treat. Rachel dressed up as Belle, Alice was Cinderella, and Paul and I were King Henry the VIII and Anne Boleyn? Romeo and Juliet? Some European couple? :) It was a fun night, and the girls LOVED getting candy in their little pumpkin baskets. We got enough candy, and Paul and I were feeling sick on Halloween night, so we ended up staying home. I felt guilty for not taking them out, but I think they got a good taste of the holiday, and we will make up for it next year.

PYRAMID LAKE:
After a few weeks of being sick, we needed some fresh air and a little get away from the city. So one Saturday, we hopped in the car and drove until we found somewhere to go. We ended up at Pyramid Lake which was closed off/abandoned, but we did a little hike around until we found our own private beach and had a grand adventure. Just what the doctor ordered!

THANKSGIVING:
We were grateful to be invited to the Christensen’s for Thanksgiving dinner, and we had a great time seeing all the family and eating good food. I was sad to be away from my family for the third year in a row, but I was grateful for such gracious friends.

RACHEL IS A STAR:
Rachel attended a few free dance camps and is learning to enjoy them! She loves to dance, but she’s been glued to my side and to her sister for the last 2 years, so it’s hard to go out on her own. She’s had the opportunity to do a little TV shoot, and she learned over Christmas break that stage fright is quickly cured by applause. I’m proud of her for trying new things and learning to master her fears. She is a brave, amazing girl! A lady at the park asked me "Is she 6 or 7?" "Nope. She's 3." The woman then proceeded to tell me she was talking with Rachel better than she can communicate with her 5 year old at home. Yup! That's my girl.

CHRISTMAS TIME:
We had the best December participating in the 25 Days of Christ Challenge. Some highlights include "feeding the hungry" or feeding our friends some pizza, singing for the elderly with the incredible Ballif family (we also thoroughly enjoyed an EPIC gingerbread house competition), "healing the sick" by delivering cards to people in the hospital, and "worshipping through music" as we sang for the Burbank Nativity Festival. We also loved participating in our ward Christmas program before leaving for Utah... but that adventure deserves its own post.

Conclusion:
Despite my complaining, I am really excited to see what this chapter of life holds for us. I know God has a plan for us here, and I'm determined to enjoy it for whatever it may be. My motto for 2017 is "Bring it on." :)