Too Much Information

Preface: Over the last few weeks, most of my friends and family have asked questions or hinted at the idea that my life is a really grand adventure. Aren't I lucky to live in England and then Los Angeles? Pursuing dreams? Well, yes. Yes I am lucky. But the last 6 months have also been the most depressing, difficult days of my life. I didn't blog for several months because I literally couldn't think of anything nice to say. But I've learned that the difference between "surviving" and "thriving" is ATTITUDE. This is my attempt to both explain why this experience has been hard, and simultaneously look on the bright side. It's probably way too personal, so bear with me.

When I was single, I made a list of requirements of my future husband. Eventually, I decided they were all good ideas, but I really just wanted someone who was willing to learn with me and do whatever was needed to help our family succeed. And he couldn’t be a professional performer. That was my ONE stipulation. I’d seen that lifestyle rip apart families and destroy good people, and I was determined that wouldn’t come anywhere near me and my white picket-fence dream.

So, clearly, marrying Paul was never my plan--it was completely God’s. (Much longer story for another time) And now, here we are in LA, pursuing a career in the arts. Of course! Of course God would ask me to do the one thing I thought I could never do. :)

Paul had a workshop in October, and it was a great success--he was fantastic! He performed two scenes and nailed them both. Through the following weeks, he signed with a theatrical agent and a commercial agent, and he was able to sign our whole family through the youth division of another commercial agency. In other words, we all have agents now. Ha! Auditions have been slow-going as the industry wraps up for the holidays, but we are pretty confident we’ll have a busy January. ;)

Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that Paul had some very positive auditions including a meeting with Disney Television Casting, and we are confident good things will come from that. I’m really proud of him for blowing them away, and I’m really grateful for the Gardiner family whom we met doing the pageants this summer who provided that connection. Blessings come from being in the right place at the right time trying to do the right thing! (Choosing to go to Nauvoo for several summers, even when it didn’t make sense, has blessed our family with some of the best friends and experiences we could ever imagine. I HIGHLY recommend it.)

Before I move on, I should probably say something about the fact that I am expecting a baby. We don’t know the gender, and I don’t think we will find out until he or she makes their earthly debut. We also don’t know the exact due date. This is partially because both my girls were overdue and I had to be induced, but it has more to do with the fact that in June, I miscarried at 8 weeks pregnant. During the days that followed, I was also hospitalized for what they think were kidney stones. But what it really means is that there have been several months of difficult recovery. I was in the middle of rehearsing for the Nauvoo and British Pageants, Paul was in England for four more weeks finishing his masters, and my heart was already aching to be leaving England for a pretty unknown future. This experience caused me to wonder about what a miscarriage is. Did that tiny body have a spirit? Will I raise that child after this life? Will that spirit come back in another--perhaps better body? Was this just an act of nature taking care of itself? Saints and scholars alike have no definite answers for me, and what in the world was I supposed to learn from this? After 7 months of trying to process, I still struggle to find the silver lining in this situation, but here is what I’ve learned so far:

1) When someone is grieving, they usually just need to hear
a. “I’m so sorry.”
b. “I love you.”
c. “I am praying for you.”
d. “I will be with you through this process.”
e. “I am here for you.”
f. NOT “Well, it’s ok because…” or “You’ll be alright.” Or “It’s probably for the best…” Even if you can see a bright side, sometimes the sufferer isn’t ready to see it yet. Maybe ever.

2) One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. We’re still afraid to talk about it, and that’s ok. But I had no idea how many women carry the grief of a life they loved alone. There’s no funeral or condolences--no one sends flowers. No one remembers the date or how it happened. No one has memories to sit and share, or little tangible evidences of a life. That is an impossible burden to carry alone, and miscarriage isn’t the only burden we don’t talk about. I’ve decided that I can be more sensitive to ALL people carrying secret burdens, for those are usually the heaviest ones.

3) God moves in mysterious ways. I don’t understand why this had to happen, and I really don’t think I will come to understand in this lifetime. But someday, I know I will sit down with my Father and He will help me see with clearer eyes. I’ve decided to just trust Him until then.

4) As I was going through all of this, God clearly orchestrated several angels in my life to help watch my children, hold me as I cried, and offer up wisdom and healing words. Most of these angels are women who have already walked the path of miscarriage or infertility, and because of that, I learned that our pain and struggle is often meant to be a balm of healing for our fellow travelers. I hope that I can be that for those who come after me.

So, although I will never "get over" the one we lost, I have been blessed with another opportunity expected sometime at the end of May… so probably July. Haha! I’ve decided I don’t want to know the gender, because this baby, as with each and every, is. A. Miracle. An ordinary miracle which I will never take for granted. And although pregnancy for me is accompanied by nausea, exhaustion, and other uncomfortable side effects, I am trying to simply be grateful for the chance to be alive and able to bring another sweet little one to the earth. And I continue to pray for healing for my many sisters around the world who have not been able to bear children or who experience miscarriage or stillbirth. I'm sorry. I love you. And I am here for you if you ever want to talk about it.

ALICE TURNED 2
On the 23rd of October, little Alice in the Palace, Munchkin of Malice turned 2! Wahoo! I’ve been telling everyone she’s nearly two for about a year now, so it’s nice to make it official. She started talking and walking so long ago, I frequently forget she’s ONLY two! It’s hard to remember that while she understands what we’re saying and can respond, she has the temperament of a 2 year old who has to explore the world, push the boundaries, and learn for herself the consequences of her choices. And if we ever try to discipline her, it’s completely ridiculous. Our little ball of sunshine can’t take us seriously! She’s too happy to ever think we’d be upset for any reason. (And her little buddy Rachel won’t let us get upset anyway! “You can’t be mad at my sister!”) So most of the time we laugh and shake our heads when she spills water bottles all over the floor, eats a bowl of dogfood, ruins my lipstick, gets stuck under the beds in the middle of the night, pulls everything out of every cupboard, climbs every surface imaginable, sings and speaks at the top of her lungs, tries to wash her own hands and dishes, explores the possibilities of potty training, and much much more. Her favorite thing to do is play with Rachel--dress up, tea parties, reading books, dancing, building towers. They are best buddies, and I thank Heavenly Father every day that He sent them so close together. Alice also LOVES animals. She really has no fear! She’s been clawed by a cat and a dog and butted by a goat, but she just comes back for more! Another of her talents is speaking and singing. She can sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” all by herself including a slowed down tag at the end. So adorable! She can also recite the first two articles of faith and a few scriptures and poems. I’ve lost track of how many songs she knows, but she remembers them all to pass the time on long car rides. She is truly one of the brightest, happiest children I've ever seen. When she gets hurt, 99% of the time, she hops up and says triumphantly "I'm ok!" She loves to say prayers to thank Heavenly Father for every toy and asking that we might go to Disneyland, the park, visit our friends, and anything else she can think of. My favorite moments are when I give her a hug and a kiss goodnight and she tells me "You're a good mommy. You're my precious mommy."

BEASLEYS!
The absolute highlight of the last few months was the week-long visit from our beloved BLEASLEYS! They stayed with us for a few nights and never complained about being crammed into our tiny place. Oh it was fun to have our buddies! They even brought us British goodies we were missing, and we had fun chatting, eating, playing games, and just being together! Of course, we did all the touristy things--California Adventure, Disneyland, Downtown Disney, the beach, the walk of fame, and a catastrophic attempt at viewing the Hollywood sign. It was such a treat for us to have them here! The week went by much too quickly, and it hurts that they live SO far away, but we have plans to see them again soon!

BOXES ARRIVED:
At some point, our boxes arrived from England. Hardly anything was lost or broken! It just took five months for them to get to us. HA! It was a little bit like Christmas, opening the boxes to discover the toys and books we’d forgotten about! Not to mention my awesome pots and pans!! Hurray! Rachel was a bit confused by the whole thing and keeps asking about whether we get to keep our new toys. Or what happens if we move again? Do these toys stay with this house? It must be so confusing!

ELECTION:
It’s terribly depressing that our election process has turned to such a mudslinging, poor representation of the real qualities of the American people. We have so much to unite us, but instead we are fed divisive rhetoric that perpetuates labels and stigmas. If I’ve learned one thing from this election, it is that I don’t believe in labels anymore. By labeling someone, I make it easier for myself to categorize them and stop thinking of them as a brother or sister or child of God. But the worst part is that even if and when they change, I may never really change my mind about them. I will be stuck on that categorization or label as opposed to who the person really is and what they were created to be. My goal is to see the best in people and trust they are doing the best they can with the information they have. Even though I find very little to be optimistic about with President Elect Donald Trump, I refuse to label or call him names. I refuse to label his supporters. I am going to move forward in faith and hope for the best.

HALLOWEEN:
Halloween is not a big deal in the UK, but MAN is it big in LA. We had a great ward party and trunk or treat. Rachel dressed up as Belle, Alice was Cinderella, and Paul and I were King Henry the VIII and Anne Boleyn? Romeo and Juliet? Some European couple? :) It was a fun night, and the girls LOVED getting candy in their little pumpkin baskets. We got enough candy, and Paul and I were feeling sick on Halloween night, so we ended up staying home. I felt guilty for not taking them out, but I think they got a good taste of the holiday, and we will make up for it next year.

PYRAMID LAKE:
After a few weeks of being sick, we needed some fresh air and a little get away from the city. So one Saturday, we hopped in the car and drove until we found somewhere to go. We ended up at Pyramid Lake which was closed off/abandoned, but we did a little hike around until we found our own private beach and had a grand adventure. Just what the doctor ordered!

THANKSGIVING:
We were grateful to be invited to the Christensen’s for Thanksgiving dinner, and we had a great time seeing all the family and eating good food. I was sad to be away from my family for the third year in a row, but I was grateful for such gracious friends.

RACHEL IS A STAR:
Rachel attended a few free dance camps and is learning to enjoy them! She loves to dance, but she’s been glued to my side and to her sister for the last 2 years, so it’s hard to go out on her own. She’s had the opportunity to do a little TV shoot, and she learned over Christmas break that stage fright is quickly cured by applause. I’m proud of her for trying new things and learning to master her fears. She is a brave, amazing girl! A lady at the park asked me "Is she 6 or 7?" "Nope. She's 3." The woman then proceeded to tell me she was talking with Rachel better than she can communicate with her 5 year old at home. Yup! That's my girl.

CHRISTMAS TIME:
We had the best December participating in the 25 Days of Christ Challenge. Some highlights include "feeding the hungry" or feeding our friends some pizza, singing for the elderly with the incredible Ballif family (we also thoroughly enjoyed an EPIC gingerbread house competition), "healing the sick" by delivering cards to people in the hospital, and "worshipping through music" as we sang for the Burbank Nativity Festival. We also loved participating in our ward Christmas program before leaving for Utah... but that adventure deserves its own post.

Conclusion:
Despite my complaining, I am really excited to see what this chapter of life holds for us. I know God has a plan for us here, and I'm determined to enjoy it for whatever it may be. My motto for 2017 is "Bring it on." :)

Hollywood

We've officially lived here for ONE MONTH! WHAT??? How has that happened so quickly? Here are a few of the highlights:

We left Salt Lake on Monday, 30 August, with Alice and me in the Lexus. Paul and Rachel partied in the Uhaul down to St George where we spent the night at the Funks! SWEET Glenna Funk read books to the girls, fed us, entertained us, trimmed Paul’s hair, and sent us off with a loaf of homemade bread and several containers of homemade jam. What an angel!

We arrived at our flat around 6:30 pm on Tuesday night. Unfortunately, we’d forgotten to turn on the electricity, and our boxes ARE STILL ON AN OCEAN LINER, so they may never come, but we decided to hunker down and spend the night anyway. I'll never forget putting the girls to bed in a hot, dark room that night, listening to the traffic outside and wondering "what on earth are we doing here?"

We are expecting a miracle-that's what we are doing! And many miracles have come already:

Jeff Copas and Jack Taggart from the Elders Quorum showed up to help us move in, and the sweet girl down the hall (Emily) gave us some candles and a flashlight to help move and organize after it got dark. We had to skip dinner, so the kids were starving and I took them to Ralph’s to get bananas, milk, and yogurt. Emily graciously let us keep the milk, yogurt, and jam in her fridge then brought them over in the morning. I had to cry at the kindness of a stranger yet sister. So grateful for her! She even gave me a haircut last week!

Decorating on a budget: Because we had the Uhaul for another few days, we went on a Craigslist/thrift store shopping spree! We found a grey pullout corner sofa in mint condition for $200! We bought some yellow, grey, and white throw pillows with a white rug from Walmart, and Emily’s roommate gave us their old black coffee table for free! We also found a table and chairs for $40, a gorgeous blue bookshelf for $20, and a giant IKEA bookshelf for $30. There was a free desk on the side of the road, so we took that in and cleaned it, and we bought a white cubicle shelf from Target for the girls along with a dresser and nightstand for $60. Wahoo! *We also found a yard sale and bought a darling miniature table and chairs for the girls room! It comes in handy when we have guests over, so they can eat at their little table for dinner! And we bought a Snow White and Belle dress for $1 each! What a bargain! I really love the process of decorating on a tight budget. It's actually a really fun little puzzle for me!

Ryan and Maureen Christensen came our second night and brought a picnic dinner of fried chicken, potato salad, watermelon, cookies, and lemonade with a housewarming basket of goodies. Oh it just made my heart feel so good to have a friend in this city! They stayed into the dark and helped us put the bunk beds together by cell phone light. The girls LOVE their new grey bunkbeds where they pretend to be flying airplanes, dancing at the ball, saving princesses, serving dinner, and so much more.

Driving: I must say that LA drivers are incredibly rude and impatient! It was TERRIFYING to follow Paul anywhere—people are FLYING down small lane highways, and if you don’t go right when the light changes, you can expect swear words and honking. Also, I forgot about billboards. They hardly exist in England, and here, you can’t look out your window without seeing several scantily clad women advertising for completely unrelated items. Can you tell that I hate it? Definitely makes me miss England… I actually miss not being able to drive! HA!

Swimming: Over the course of the first week, we took full advantage of swimming in the pool! Rachel can touch because the whole pool is only 3 feet deep, and Alice can basically touch as well although it’s a bit of a stretch. It’s been so fun to watch their confidence in the water grow. Alice can float with her toes up, on her back, jump in, go all the way under, etc. Rachel loves to jump in and is even working on swimming without floaties. It’s hard to teach them as a parent, but I really want them to be good swimmers. If for no other reason than I want to feel safe with them in the pool!

Parks: Woodbridge park is just around the corner from us, and it’s a very fun structure with sand to play in! We went to Griffith Park which is MASSIVE, but it was too hot, so we'll have to go back now that the weather is changing.

Zoo: One of our favorite hangouts is the LA Zoo! (We bought a year long membership which has already paid for itself!) The girls love the petting zoo and the giant animatronic dinosaur eating a fish by the entrance. Rachel could hardly contain her joy after riding the white unicorn around on the carousel-she couldn't even put words together. It was the sweetest thing I've ever seen! What a hit!

The best part of LA so far is meeting friendly people. Everywhere we go, people seem to be smiling and sociable (unless they’re driving). In our apartment complex, we’ve met a lot of really lovely people including our landlord Nancy, who is from India. She is fantastic! She helped me find a place that sells garam masala (for making curry) and made sure to tell me she would love to babysit the kids any time.

Anna Crowe: One of our new best friends is Anna Crowe (and her whole family). They had us over for dessert our first Sunday here, and we ended up having a jam session while the kids played together. We've gone to pilates, running/walking three mornings a week, attended a women's scripture study group, sung together in a trio for a different ward, taken our kids to gymnastics and parks, played a hilarious Halloween game, and traded off babysitting so we could attend the temple. She has blessed my life so much already. Truly, a miracle in the flesh!

BEST STORY: We auditioned for a musical about a dangerous computer, and it was one of the most hilarious experiences OF MY LIFE! As we were filling out the forms at the audition, we realized the man running the audition was the writer, director, and played the villian. Then he informed us that he had already recorded the vocals and wanted to re-film the production, so we were really only going to be lipsyncing. THEN, the dance call was literally a box step/jazz square with a hop and a turn. HA! Nailed it! Paul and I literally cried we were trying so hard not to laugh. One of our best dates ever!

My favorite experience is actually a gig that I didn't book. At one audition, the man behind the table had tears in his eyes as I sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", and he later told me it was the best audition he's ever seen, but I didn't get the part because of dress size. What a weird profession where you can literally move the director to tears but lose the part because someone else was thinner! It made me realize how grateful I am for the gospel of Jesus Christ--I know my worth has no correlation to my dress size or what jobs I work or parts I play. My worth and value is that I am a Child of God, and that can't be altered. What a blessing!

The BEACH: One of the best parts of living here is being about 20 minutes from the Santa Monica Pier (give or take with traffic)! We had to go to LAX to pick up Kristen Metzger coming home from Fiji and New Zealand, so we thought we’d spend the day in Santa Monica before going to the airport. It was glorious! The weather was perfect! (As it is every day, but I’m always surprised! I keep waiting for the weather to be dark and cold, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen?) The girls LOVED putting their feet in the sand, and Rachel LOVED the water! Oh my goodness. She was in heaven. We loved walking around the pier and letting the girls ride the rides. It was a heavenly day! We even found parking for about $1.50! Perfect!

It was blissful having Kristen stay with us for a few days and hear about her adventures and hopes for life. She is such a special woman! I’m so grateful for her friendship and the strength of her faith!

First scare: Kristen and I did some laundry and Alice and Rachel came to help. The laundry room is on our floor-just a few steps away really. Rachel decided to go back home, and Alice decided to follow her. Except, Alice took a detour and never made it home. When Kristen and I came back, she was nowhere to be found. It was several minutes of searching—running the halls, searching the pool and lobby, running to the car park, and up and down the elevator before a nice girl found her on the third floor and took her to us. OH MY HEAVENS! I was so scared. It was absolutely terrifying. We lock the doors now, but Rachel can open them, so I feel constant worry that somehow they will escape! After that experience, they know it’s probably not good to try that again for a while. AH!!!!!!

Hiking: We drove to the Observation Point at Griffith Park and took a little hike toward the Hollywood Sign. It is very dry and people are everywhere--doesn't really feel like getting out in nature. But it was fun to at least not be surrounded by apartment buildings. We also went on a family hike around Hollywood Reservoir-about 3.5 miles round trip. Good fun!

Library: The Buena Vista Library is awesome. We can check out 50 books at a time! The kids LOVED going and reading and exploring. They have little computers with fun games on them for learning, and there is a giant tree in the middle of the kids section where we can snuggle up to read, so the kids beg me to go back every day. We also went to the Burbank Library for story time, and loved it!

Family: We got to visit Vaughn and Karlyn a few days back! They had us over for dinner, swimming, and watching the BYU game. And Marshall and Carrie just happened to be in town, so we saw them too! It was such a blast! Karlyn is so awesome, and they both make us feel like best friends. We just love them! The girls loved it too, of course.

Two Trips:
1) FALLBROOK: We LOVED VISITING THE BALLIFS! We literally talked, ate, and swam the whole time, but we could have talked for days!! They have such amazing life stories and lessons to teach us, and we were so inspired by their humility, generosity, thoughtfulness, and the peace in their home. I was able to go to General Women's Conference with Julie, Lilly, and Jane. It was so fun to have some "Family" to go with! And I hardly saw the girls all weekend as they were busy dressing up and reading stories with Mary, Jane, and Henry. Such a fabulous weekend getaway for us!

2) PUMPKIN PATCH: Ann got us a room at the Hilton in Costa Mesa where we met up for a weekend of swimming, launching pumpkins, petting baby goats, going on a tractor ride, playing with kids, playing at the park, and spending time as together as family. One of the highlights was playing "Betrayal at House on the Hill" with Ann and Eric after the kids went to bed. It's the perfect Halloween game! We also traded off babysitting so we could go on a date. Bliss!

Dance: We love having family dance parties. The girls move the coffee table and turn on the pre-recorded tracks on my keyboard. So cute! Also, I took a contemporary dance class the other day at Millennium Dance Complex. LOVED IT! Oh my goodness! It felt AMAZING! I think I'll go at least once a week as long as we can afford it. I sure love to dance!

It'll be another month before we get our boxes, and I CAN'T WAIT to have my nice pots and pans, pictures of the Savior, Prophet, and temples, other clothes and shoes, etc! Trying to be patient...

Alice: 23 months!
· My favorite word she says is: “lotamelon” for “Watermelon”. Her “T” is very crisp too!
· Said her first prayer all by herself “Heavenly Father, thank you for this day, in the name of Jesus Christ amen.”
· So good at going to nursery! Loves playgroup at the library with bubbles and singing songs.
· Tells everyone “hi” and has to tell everyone and everything “Bye” any time we are walking away from the street, car, tree, dog, person, etc
· The very first time she tried sleeping in her new bed, she slept through the night no problem! She has always been a fantastic sleeper. I’m so grateful!
· Loves to carry around her “doggy” to the elevator, outside, all over in the house, eating food, sleeping, etc. Doggy is always tucked under her arm. She pretends they are in Balto or 101 Dalmations.
· Wears princess dresses with Rachel non-stop and loves to dance in the living room to Princess music or the piano music
· The happiest, loveliest little poodle!

Rachel: 3 ½
· Loves listening to her ipod in the car—“Mommy, can I please listen to princess music?” Favorites include “Seize the Day” from Newsies, “Try Everything” from Zootopia, and anything from "Brave" or the soundtrack to "How to Train Your Dragon" (those are the songs we listened to whilst driving through Scotland, Ireland, and Wales, so they make us all homesick)
· So clever! Learning her numbers, letters, and colors. Memorizes books quickly and loves to read them to Alice. Their favorites right now are "Amelia Bedelia" and "Berenstein Bears"
· Loves to pretend she's reading the scriptures and makes up really good verses
· Really into prayer. Rachel has to say the prayer almost every time, and she prays for such good things! When she bit Alice, she prayed that she was sorry for biting Alice, it made her feel bad, and she didn’t want to do bad things anymore. We had just had a lesson on repentance from the missionaries, so I was completely moved to see Rachel understanding and putting it into action. She is so good and wise!


Various pictures from museums and other shenanigans: